Abante rages on, excerpts from his speech

A battle to pass a human rights measure penalizing discrimination against lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transgenders is raging in the House of Representatives, where the incumbent Chairperson of the Committee on Human Rights, Rep. Bienvenido Abante (6th Distict, Manila City), is ironically blocking the bill's passage. In a controversial speech delivered last Monday, Rep. Abante, who is also a Baptist pastor, charged that the enactment of the bill would invite the wrath of God and would mean "death to the most cherished Filipino values of Godliness and moral rectitude."

LAGABLAB is calling anew for protest letters against Rep. Abante. We urge those who value human dignity and equality to demand for his resignation as the Chair of the House Committee on Civil, Political and Human Rights.

To read more and to download a copy of Abante's speech, visit http://lagablab.wordpress.com/2006/11/22/abante-speech/.

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Some quotes from Rep. Abante's speech:

"We cannot legislate on these. To abet sin and ungodliness is to invite the wrath of God upon ourselves and our God-loving nation."

"Mr. Speaker, my being a male is not my choice, that was Divine choice. Women being women is not their choice, that is Divine choice, and no human being has the right to go against God’s choice, Mr. Speaker."

"If I may quote, Genesis, Chapter I, when it spoke of creation, the Bible says, 'Male and female created Eden.' I do not find in the Bible that God created male and female and the in-betweens. Mr. Speaker, I find in the Bible that God created Adam and Eve. I do not find in the Bible that God created Adam and Steve."

"Mr. Speaker, I was told that the Lagablab Organization has declared an open war against me. That they will even campaign hard against me in my district. That I might not be voted upon. Huwag naman, Mr. Speaker. Hindi ko sila kaaway, Mr. Speaker. (I hope not, Mr. Speaker. They are not my enemies). But you know what, even if the Lagablab group has declared an open war against me, I declare to them the love of God because God loves them very much, Mr. Speaker."

"Thus, approving House Bill No. 634, Mr. Speaker, would mean death to the ideals and aspirations enshrined in our Constitution; death to a just and humane society that promotes the common good; death to the most cherished Filipino values of Godliness and moral rectitude."

"The Preamble is a living testament of our recognition of an Almighty God in a direct and personal way. In imploring the aid of Almighty God we manifested our unfaltering reliance upon Him and we recognize the reality that it is God Who guides the destinies of men and nations. In crafting laws, therefore, we must be guided by what is right before God. This bill, once signed into law, will encourage social aberrations as well as moral decadence through unconventional lifestyles that will come to pass as acceptable norms of conduct should this bill become a law."

[LAGABLAB Press Release, November 16, 2006]

Resign from Human Rights Committee, Rep. Abante urged

The Lesbian and Gay Legislative Advocacy Network (LAGABLAB-Pilipinas), a network of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender organizations and activists, condemned today Manila Representative and House Committee on Human Rights Chair Bienvenido Abante for "his homophobia and atrocious ignorance of the basic principles of human rights." Yesterday, Rep. Abante questioned AKBAYAN Rep. Etta Rosales's sponsorship of HB 637, a proposed bill that seeks to penalize discrimination against lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders (LGBTs).

LAGABLAB said that Abante's ridiculous opposition to a human rights measure like the Anti-Discrimination Bill betrays a fundamental disregard and disrespect of his mandate as the Human Rights Committee chair. "He should resign from his position if he himself cannot grasp the universality of human rights and human dignity," LAGABLAB Sec. Gen. Jonas Bagas said. "He should also undergo human rights education to understand that in our Constitution and in various international human rights agreements that the Philippines signed, equal protection from discrimination is guaranteed for all, regardless of sex, sexual orientation, and gender identity."

"How can he promote human rights when he has no sense of empathy and compassion? Human rights are about recognizing that regardless of our differences and our diversity, we are all equal. Obviously, Rep. Abante has not experienced what it is like to be abused or to be discriminated," Bagas added.

LAGABLAB said that lesbians and gays lose their jobs, get expelled from schools, and experience physical abuse because the society still treats them as second class citizens. "There are narrow-minded people like Rep. Abante who help deepen the stigma against homosexuals. There are parents who beat their presumably gay or lesbian children to 'correct' their homosexuality or to stop them from cross dressing. When they're thrown away from their homes, or when homosexuals lose their jobs, they have to deal with discrimination's inhumane consequences," Bagas said.

Bagas also chided the solon for spreading false information on the bill. "The Anti-Discrimination Bill will not allow for the legal recognition of same-sex marriage. It is only about curbing discriminatory practices and policies. To claim otherwise is to commit a grave lie," he explained.

He clarified, however, that not all religious people or religious organizations are as bigoted as Rep. Abante. "During the 12th Congress, the bill was supported by other religious organizations, specifically the NCCP/UCCP and Iglesia ni Kristo. We in LAGABLAB are aware that there are religious denominations that are opposed to homosexuality but are nonetheless in solidarity with the LGBT community in protecting their rights and freedoms," Bagas said. He added that other human rights organizations are supporting and campaigning for the bill's passage, among them Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch and the International Commission of Jurists.

LAGABLAB is urging lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders to write protest letters to Rep. Abante (visit www.lagablab.wordpress.com). "We will campaign against him in his own district and his own city. We don't take bigotry sitting down, especially those coming from public officials who enjoy the privileges provided by the taxes that we pay," Bagas warned.

LAGABLAB urged Congress to expedite the approval of the Anti-Discrimination Bill. "We've been pushing for this for six years. We urge the leadership of the House of Representatives to pass the bill before the end of the month. We also urge Senator Bong Revilla, who authored the Senate version of the bill, to push for its approval in the Senate. The plight of the LGBT community should not be ignored," Bagas appealed.

From Jonas: "Abante did it again"

Late breaking news: I first got a text message from indefatigable Jonas. Then this e-mail, providing the full details. In between rushing some documents, packing my things (I'm going to Legazpi today), I've been mumbling profanities - what a jerk!

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Hello folks, our dear friend from the sixth district of Manila did it again. inq7.net's Maila Ager wrote about the incident briefly, but here's a more detailed account on what happened.

Since there's an agreement with the House leadership that the bill would be approved this month, Etta delivered the sponsorship speech today. Everybody assumed that Abante was not there, and then suddenly, after Etta spoke, dumating si Abante, who immediately moved to have the session suspended.

While the session was suspended, a fuming Abante quickly approached Etta and said that the rights of lesbians and gays are not fundamentally HR issues. He said that repeatedly, and when Etta started arguing with him on the merits of the bill, dun na tumaas ang boses niya. Some reps had to go to him and pull him away from Etta.

When the session was resumed, Abante moved to adjourn the session. There was a quorum, though, and when he realized his folly, he moved to suspend the session again.

When it was resumed, he began questioning the technicality of Etta doing the sponsorship speech - she's no longer the chair, that he, as the committee chair, did not even know that the bill is in today's agenda, etc. Etta argued, however, that the rules provide that she, as one of the principal authors, may sponsor the bill. Also, the bill has been in the order of business since last year, so Abante should know that any moment the majority may tackle the bill.

The session was suspended again. Etta was told by the majority floor leader (Del De Guzman) that the bill will be tackled again next week, so the deliberation was suspended for the meantime.

While Etta was debating with Abante, Risa was moving around asking the other Reps to support the bill should Abante move to divide the House over the bill (he did not, which means he is aware that he would lose). Risa said that even the most homophobic reps said that they will support the bill. Rep. Villanueva of CIBAC, who's from the Jesus is Lord Movement, also committed to support the bill.

Anyway, after the ADB, the house majority tried to tackle the repro health bill. At sino ang humarang? Who else, but our dear Abante.

Anyway, i think we need to be more vocal about our support for the bill. Malaki ang naitutulong ni Etta, Risa and Mayong sa House of Reps, pero wala tayong ganyang allies sa Senate.

My concrete proposals:

Maglabas ang LAGABLAB ng press statement to condemn Abante's homophobia and ask him to resign as chair of the human rights committee. Baka pwedeng may similar statements din na ilabas ang ibang orgs? AI din? I will also ask the women's orgs kung pwedeng mag-issue din ng statement, since common enemy natin si Abante ngayon.

Next week, preferably on Monday, pwede ba na may mga at least 10 sa atin na pumunta ng House of Reps? Ipapa-recognize sa floor na guests ni Etta, that we are from a coalition supporting the bill.

Send letters of protest to Abante. Dapat ma-feel niya ang galit ng mga diosa. Even the conservative reps in Congress felt kanina na masyado siyang fundamentalist (merong ba ng moderate na fundamentalist? hmmm...). Baka pwedeng magpadala ng materials to prove na naabuso ang mga bakla at lesbiana, at duty nya na protektahan tayo from abuse.

Sana po ay pwede tayong kumilos for this.

Jonas

[INQ7 story here: Debate mars sponsorship of gay rights bill]

Having nothing else to do, I blog

I'm essentially doing nothing, I texted my hunny. He must be in his usual busy self in the office right now, he might not even have a wee bit of time to text me back. It's okay, I also do that to him sometimes.

This is a rare occurence for me, blogging in the middle of the day. Having nothing else to do, I might as well let my fingers do some keyboard talking. Ordinarily my workload is such that I only get to blog very late at night/very early in the morning of the next day. Today is not that day, but an idle body I may be right now, the mind still rages on with the twisting and turning of many unanswered questions... imagine a Rubik's cube as an unanswered question, then multiply them with any two-digit numeral. Haaay! Questions, questions, its desired answers would have made me more productive today. My semi-employed existence continues, and November came in with a vengeance for the many things that were left unresolved the month before.

While the Global Fund seemed to be running more smoothly now in our Southern Tagalog site, the Albay project is still in limbo. Our people are still waiting how the project will be getting started. Yesterday, the staff sent us budget requests for some activities; I don't even have their final workplans and budgets yet. I'm not one to be too restrictive on staff in doing their, er, stuff, but somehow for this case, I have to decide not to release funds without knowing for sure what will be coming in. Boring chore, someone's got to do it, and by the end of this week, I will become the "bad guy" in all of this. I can feel it coming.

The next round of Global Fund remains an unfulfilled promise (for those in the know, that would be Round 5). Its roll-out is such an abstract idea that a Kandinsky would have been more coherent, a Malevich more explicit. A few weeks ago I got a tip that the fund management group for this round will be publishing an ad calling for proposals on major newspapers supposedly first week of November. I've been buying newspapers for days now and nothing. I really don't appreciate seeing a growing stack of old newspapers at home. Aside from the stack being a muted mocking thing, painfully feeding into my growing desperation, I also get to reflect on all the wasted money it represented.

I don't have much use for newspapers, actually; my current events needs I mostly get from the Internet. When I do get to read newspapers, I get the news of the day bundled with unwanted icky printing ink, dizzying flip-and-search of continuations of stories, and frustrating realization of the increasing incidence of bad editing and wrong grammar of some journalists. With the Internet, it's a bit easier: my mouse doesn't smudge ink, reading is essentially scroll and click, and when bad writing/editing is emerging, the window can be easily closed, better writing of similar stories always a promise, always a Google away.

Things are not going so well in the PNAC either. I was supposed to have a very critical meeting yesterday for a major activity in December. The meeting was cancelled and I was not even informed. Later last night, a colleague called me up regarding our intended advocacy in line with the ASEAN Summit. Certain allegations floated around, most surprisingly, that PNAC no longer plans to go through with the advocacy. I wasn't informed of that either. Most irritably, people from whom we needed answers are not around. I was supposed to attend an emergency meeting about this ASEAN thingie today; had to be moved as other people already have their appointments set. So how about tomorrow then? People haven't yet replied. It all feels so disabling.

My own "24"

In the TV series "24," the lead character portrayed by Kiefer Sutherland will save someone or resolve something in a narrative time-lapse worth 24 hours every episode. There are days like this in my so-called professional life. Such was October 20 when I had again one of those marathon trips in line with official work, and some more for volunteer work, i.e. work to help out friends. I was up and about from 7AM, October 20 til 7AM the following day. What did I actually resolve? After several weeks of being in limbo with the second phase of the Global Fund project, we were suddenly jolted into having things start moving again; we were asked to make haste despite much of project modalities still being help up in air. Hay naku! All rush and tension were three-layer-cake-slicing thick in the air...

Whom did I actually save a la Kiefer/24 (though I could never compare myself to Kief's gracefully ageing beauty, but ageing nonetheless)? In an ambitious effort to up the ante on their Bohemian Fridays project at Rainbow Project in Malate, Gregg and other friends decided to enrich their project with a bit more art and activity. One was a photo exhibit, another was safer sex advocacy by way of condom distribution, on top of reading of erotic poetry. We were able to involve Dominique James into the stint, and he was so generous to offer us several of his work... I underscore generous here as he offered us 30 digital photography artpieces. For my part, I had my staff in Lucena (while we were meeting on the nitty-gritties of the Global Fund) assemble 100 condom sample packs not unlike a brisk cottage industry.

After the Lucena meeting, I rushed back to Manila, straight to Malate, a plastic bag of condoms on one hand, dirt and grime imported from Laguna and Quezon on clothes, face and god-knows-where-else. I was essentially in deflated, silent attendance during the Bohemian Friday activity (themed "Skin Light Words"). But the Milenyo-inspired curatorship of the artwork did catch my attention, glaring and pleading for justice. I gave Gregg my unsolicited two-cents and volunteered to help in redoing some curatorials, silently thanking DJ was then in New York doing pictorials. As matter of courtesy, and protection of fragile friendships, let some of the photos here clue in as to what happened as I was studying/reworking the curatorials. I was on the verge of accusing dear, sweet but bullying Gregg as the hell-bent, hell-sent curator. Sweet, regardless.

So beyond the 24-hour real-time time-lapse of our own real-life drama, reworking the art collection took several more nights, each night an ambitious attempt to finish all but only to realize later that attempts remained just ambition. Each night also had some unraveling scenarios that I'd rather not enumerate now, but have mentally reserved for potential slapstick sitcom racket material. In fairness, I was able to revisit some of the up-and-down challenges of volunteer work. I haven't been in a volunteer role for quite some time now. Doing it and being one helped me relearn some things I could factor in for management of future volunteerism in TLF SHARE. And oh, there was a lot of partying too... other than the usual weekend gay-time riot, our work serendipitously coincided with the G4M party and the "medieval" Halloween party.

Despite all exhaustion, frustration and prime-grade irritainment, I think the most saving that happened in my own version of 24 was my relationships with friends. Renewed connections, shared endeavors and moments, and new acquaintances have resuscitated my social life... it really felt wonderful to be back in the loop. I don't mind all that work (and there are surely a lot more pending); I like contributing my talent and skills when I know they're needed. Now, if only I could match my renewed social life with more sustainable funding - jusko, ang mahal na palang mag-socialize ngayon!

A posting post the post

Gregg was right. I was totally the different person when we met later in the night, after I wrote that awful, desperate and whiny post about I having nothing of urbane civility left almost a week after Milenyo. Writing seemed to have purged all the angst. I asked him to join me in Malate while at home, enveloped in the now-familiar sticky heat darkness, after realizing that I don't need to endure another depressing candlelit night. We, which later also included Mark, hung out at Chelu and drank for no special occasion... well, maybe except for one, my liberation from all anger and anxiety of the previous days. Or maybe this night marked the last stage before grieving for my destituted existence could genuinely begin. We drank, got modestly drunk, and I wasn't too modest about spending my dwindling savings on luxuries like beer. We also ate, we ate a lot while Gregg complained about needing to lose the weight he's packing in between bites of balot, chicken skin and all other sorts of street food fare.

At one point, Mark realized that we haven't been together like this for a long, long time, us being essentially what's left of our Gen Gali/Mr. Piggy's peer group. What was intended to be a simple night of needing to get drunk so I could sleep for much longer, ended up in anticipation for Sunshine Dizon (that's gayspeak for sunrise). Back home, morning sunlight was already beginning to pour in my room, on my bed. How to sleep in bright daylight and the heat of the day microwaving you in the bedroom? Well, I didn't sleep much. Again.

Then the day before power was restored - and the fallen billboard was cleared - I flew to Davao to attend the Philippine National Convention on HIV and AIDS, for the first time held outside Metro Manila. PNAC was sponsoring two community fora during the convention; I was supposed to facilitate small group workshop sessions during one of the fora. The fora didn't bring results we expected, and I feel that the organizers would have to explain their "interference." (But I'm not going into this - at least, not right now.) But the best thing I got from this trip was sleep. When I settled in the hotel on the first night (some cheap but functional inn near Davao Doctors Hospital), I was already asleep 8PM (which is very early for me) and slept 12 hours straight. I had an itchy throat the morning after though; I ran the A/C full blast directly on me all night. Talk about depravity.

When I got back in Manila, the first week of restored electricity also little by little restored our normal activities. That meant getting back on the oh-so-many concerns from within the office to PNAC and to wherever else. I haven't submitted that ADB proposal yet, after learning that I have more time until the deadline for the second round of submission. I once promised myself to finish it as soon as power was restored and life normalized again but *sigh* the momentum somehow was lost, I mean, that frenzied, fierce and inspired drive to write and beat the deadline. Crammers from all corners of the Earth would know what I mean.

I didn't have a particular angle when I started this post, I'm not sure what my point is. Maybe this is an assurance that I'm still a sane person after all insanity. Maybe this is a closure that attempts to be dignified, after having exposed oneself as an embarassingly, half-crazed whine-bag. Or maybe, quite simply, this being the posting post the despondency post is itself the angle.

Anti-discrimination bill - update from the House

I've been meaning to post this e-mail update from Jonas regarding the Anti-discrimination Bill. I received this last October 13.

Early morning today, in between deliberations on the 2007 budget, Rep. Nograles (House Committee on Rules Chair) and AKBAYAN Reps. Risa Hontiveros and Mayong Aguja (Etta was in Mindanao) tried to have the Anti-Discrimination Bill passed on Third Reading. It would have been passed, along with a few other bills, had Rep. Abante of Manila been wise enough to understand the definition of human rights and his mandate as the chair of the House Committee on Human Rights. He stood up and said that he would interpellate the bill since he believes that what it promotes is "morally reprehensible." Rep. Nograles himself tried to reason out with him, but he was very adamant. Abante was also informed that they want to go through the approval of the ADB because there are other bills that had to be approved. Abante was unconvinced and even squatted beside the podium of the Majority Floor Leader (he decides on what bill to tackle) "para bantayan ang Anti-Discrimination Bill." He also argued with Mayong about the immorality of LGBTs, but Mayong just walked out. Abante was already being jeered by his colleagues, but the idiot was bent on filibustering.

He did not budge until session was finally adjourned at about 5 AM today. It will resume on November 6. Nograles assured AKBAYAN reps. that the bill will definitely be approved during the first week. If you have some cash to spare, send Abante a one-way ticket to Kitaotao or Guimaras just to get rid of him during that crucial moment. Also, spread the word: don't vote for him next year.

(Abante is the same guy who wanted to burn Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code.)

Despondency in Milenyo's aftermath

I'm on the brink of despondency. I'm now at an Internet cafe somewhere in Greenbelt. I decided to log in again after growing tired of wandering aimlessly in the mall, which was preceded by an absent-minded ride at the MRT, which was preceded by an earlier Internet cafe visit at a different mall in Pasay City.

Two more days left and I will soon be commemorating one week since Typhoon Milenyo's ravage. Two more days left and I will soon be one week's worth of an urban wreck, having no respectable clothing and shelter, in danger of losing ability for food sustenance, unemployed full time. I should be relieved that I am excused from doing more work. But I'm not. Technically, I only earn a meager allowance by the day, for every day at work. So, no electricity, no office, no work, no money. Milenyo has removed so much of the functionalities at work and conveniences at home (which for me are two areas dissected by a street); Milenyo will soon wipe out my savings.

Just last week, the only thing in my mind was finishing writing a project proposal for the Asian Development Bank. I've been working long hours again: on day time, most administrative work and meetings with NGO partners, and at night, banging the keyboard for the ADB proposal. Wednesday night's work capped off with a cool breezy six a.m. logoff from the computer. “Brrr-months na talaga,” I even remarked as I luxuriously stretched in bed and fell asleep. But around 9 a.m., my phone rang, my hunny told me about how wild the storm seemed to be like... Storm? I remembered that over last night's dinner, Joel (one of our directors) and I were discussing that incoming storm. I looked at my window and saw an almost mesmerizing feverish Tahitian-like dance of trees and tree branches. I couldn't recall now everything that my hunny and I talked about.

The next few hours would be a whirl, which started with rex's sweat-and-rainwater wet look appearance and announcement that the office across the street has a problem with windowpanes wildly flapping and banging. That would be our office; time to bring in the cavalry. The battle to contain the windows – prevent their impending crashing disastrous endings – would become also a three-stage scientific experimental activity on different kinds of binding strings, precisely, which kind would be strongest and could prevent the fierce storm winds from successfully prying open and ripping windowpanes away.

Around 12 noontime, after the brief peaceful passing of the eye, the clouds changed directions and winds started to howl (literally); for the first time in my life, I witnessed it blowing hard downwards. At the living room window, I was watching the widening pendulum of a building's signage, knowing with wicked surety that it would soon fall and fly off. I grew drowsy from watching, so I went back to my room, took a quick shuteye... the rage and the howls soon tunneled out of my consciousness. And I would have wished to have kept myself asleep until all the nasty events of the aftermath passed. Meralco restoration became the indicator for restoring norms in the Metro – last Sunday, Meralco was around 80-plus percent finished, our neighborhood was in the minority 20-percent; last night, the talk was 97-percent, so now we're in the minority 3-percent? You cannot get luckier than that.

I think I'm passing through the stages of grief, not in discrete stages, but seemingly altogether, one or some varying in degree/s from the others. I knew I was in denial several days ago, every visual of disaster an abstract, interpreted as blanks in my mind. I've lately been angered at any and all I could relate to the typhoon, from the government, to neighbors, to nasty, long-dead, former friends' pets. Since yesterday, I've have started to feel the ugliness of desparation – I was even feeling a bit resigned (that very, very passive and obese cousin-cum-nemesis of indignation) when I lost a precious 500-peso bill in the dark outside. Thanks to a few bottles of beer last night, my mind was numbed from feeling any further. And this morning, itself being a bright, shiny proof that alcohol doesn't offer any sustaining solution to problems, my escalation to despondency continued. Right now, I feel I want to spend everything that I've left and start looking all greasy and smelly, begin prospecting for a likely, homely sidewalk. I wonder if I could sell myself as an idea – one big, fat beggar, who speaks English upon demand? And if anyone would be interested, I could write project proposals too for the ADB.

Surviving a murderous deadline

I've been writing a lot lately. Not that anybody else notices, considering how I've blogged nothing at all recently, but... I've been writing, in fact, most furiously just last week. I wrote a paper on HIV, AIDS and men who have sex with men in the Philippines, on behalf of the Philippine National AIDS Council, as part of the country's contribution to the conference on MSM and HIV in Asia and the Pacific, which has just commenced as I write in New Delhi, India. There was also a Powerpoint presentation accompanying this paper, which Ferdie mostly did, two of us last week feeling like college students again rushing to finish their thesis.

I wanted to go to India, and I think some people were half expecting that I go too. I declined - rather, we came into a consensus that I should decline. Inspite of initial excitement (I have never been to India yet), we considered that the organization might come to a stand still with Ferdie and I gone. These coming weeks would be crucial for the organization. We are anticipating major things happening like the upcoming scenario for Global Fund rounds three and five. So between Ferdie and I, he was the more likely choice; he is our "permanent" member in the Council, I his "alternate." Together with Ferdie are two NGO representatives from Cebu and Zamboanga, two officials from the health and social welfare departments, and the monitoring and evaluation officer of the Council's secretariat. Dr. Mike Tan was supposed to go as well, organizers in India were hoping he could, but for some reason or other he dropped out a few days ago.

The process that led to this conference was very challenging. It was recommended that before the conference, every participating country should conduct its own consultative meeting. Mobilizing funds for country consultation was difficult; UNAIDS was doing all its best to help come up with funds, but none really could be had at short notice. PNAC was also rushing to attend to so many concerns but at least it was able to assign one secretariat staff to work on the consultation and secure a modest but functional venue (SACCL Conference Room in San Lazaro Hospital). Our group was also doing the best that we can to put together this consultation; de facto, I was thrust into the vortex of all the rush.

As I was gaining my own momentum towards the national consultative meeting, I got pulled out. An Asia-Pacific civil society meeting was going to be held in Bangkok on the same day as the consultation's, August 25. I was asked to represent AP-Rainbow (the network of LGBT organizations in the region) in the meeting. I was considered the logical choice for the meeting as it was about the universal access initiative; I represented the network in the first meeting held in Pattaya, Thailand earlier this year. The national MSM consultative meeting was held just the same, not as "flawless" as I had hoped (and believed it could have, had I been there), but it received positive feedback. As for the meeting I attended, I couldn't say for sure how meaningful the results have come... I sensed a lot of the participants having difficulty in making decisions on behalf of their work, their organizations and their countries. Again, I noticed how "fortunate" the Philippines was when it comes to government-civil society collaborations, particularly on HIV/AIDS. And it was easy to fail in fully appreciating how different the situation was for some of our other Asian neighbors.

As soon as I got back to Manila, I knew that my priority was writing that damned paper. Jonas could have done it for us, but I think he was also neck-deep in his work, both at the Congress and with LAGABLAB. Usually, our choice of writers are down to two in the most dire of situations, either him or me. Then more concerns came parading in such as the operational planning of the AIDS medium-term plan and the evaluation meeting a la road-tour of Global Fund (we had to attend two of these, in Bicol and Southern Tagalog). I was practically doing two things at the same time, almost on every occasion - preparing the paper and attending to the other what-have-you's. One night, I was looking at my desktop calendar and couldn't believe at the amount of working I've been doing. To think, I'm actually not being fully compensated at work right now. Having no ongoing contract projects at the moment, I'm only getting a modest allowance for every day that I report to work, just like a volunteer. Ah, such is the reality of NGO work!

Just a few days ago, Ka Ruthy (who is at the helm of Global Fund's NGO implementers) and I, being both journalism students in college, were talking about the travails and traumas of writing assignments like this paper - she already had more than her share, I'd think, having been involved in development work way before I did. She suggested that we should look into the possibility of having the paper published, as in print, which was something of an unspoken wish for me. It could be the first survey of MSM and HIV work in the country, we agreed, but inside I was also thinking, this would also be an important first for me. I've never yet experienced an ego-booster as having to see published work credited to my name, even back in my public relations and advertising days. I did press releases, background papers and feature articles, which didn't come with a by-line. Some journalists would rather put their own names on the by-line, a little quid pro quo for getting press releases printed on paper. I also wrote for brochures and the like since I started doing NGO work but "self-aggrandizement" is not really the point of publishing those.

Lately, during small packets of time when I could afford some daydreaming, I think about that possibility, of my writing and my name being published. I'd like to believe that having that opportunity would be just compensation for all the tribulations this New Delhi paper-presentation has brought. This paper had a murderous deadline, cheers for having survived... but getting published in return for all the hard work should be the redemption.

[Maybe, I should also publish the paper on the blog, a little at a time, it's fifteen pages long. I told you, the experience was almost like beating the deadline for your college thesis.]

LAGABLAB's open letter to Isagani Cruz

We, members of the Lesbian and Gay Legislative Advocacy Network Philippines (LAGABLAB-Pilipinas), wishes to thank Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist Isagani Cruz for giving us yet another proof that homophobia still exists in our society today. His column ("Don we now our gay apparel, August 12, 2006, Page A10) tells us that, indeed, a law penalizing discrimination against lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders (LGBTs) should be urgently enacted by Congress.

His stark hatred against homosexuals represents a common belief system that continues to deepen the prejudice that the LGBT community encounters. Mr. Isagani Cruz fails to see that such display of bigotry is easily translated into acts that concretely violate human rights and fundamental freedoms, values whose universality and primacy a former Supreme Court justice should have been able to grasp and uphold. After all, the Supreme Court as an institution has a long tradition of defending civil liberties and human rights. It is therefore ironic that one of its former justices finds it easy to dehumanize us, target us for exclusion, and deny us the right to celebrate our diversity and dignity.

He claims that his scathing homophobia is only reserved to homosexuals who do not conduct themselves decorously. However, his sense of propriety, going by his narrow-minded perspective, means conforming to the destructive boundaries and restrictive stereotypes that our conservative society has established for LGBTs. It means tolerating biased labor policies and practices that act like a glass ceiling that blocks our productivity, or enduring verbal and physical abuses from our own family members or from our immediate community. Mr. Cruz wants us to believe that the fate of homosexuals who openly claim their space in our society as equal members of the human family is a lifetime of humiliation and discrimination. Unless we conform to the whims of people like Mr. Cruz, we should willingly accept that fate. To him, only when we are invisible or servile to what he claims to be the "privileged sex" can we expect acceptance from our society.

Mr. Cruz should understand that human dignity has no sexual orientation or gender identity. Homosexuality is hardly a dilution of the male and female sexes, and femininity and womanhood, upon which equal scorn and prejudice have been heaped by Mr. Cruz, are not synonymous to weakness. The 'third sex' that he ridicules does not exist at all, since we are all equal in dignity and respect, as affirmed by our Constitution, our laws, and the international agreements on equality and human rights that the Philippines signed.

The Filipino LGBT community will continue to march – in sagalas and during the annual Pride parade – because we do not take bigotry sitting down. The likes of Mr. Cruz can't – and we will not let them – push the Filipino LGBT community back to invisibility.

Rough and ready: our ADB position paper

Last 9 August, LAGABLAB went to the Senate and participated in the first hearing for the anti-discrimination bill. To support the passage of the bill, our organization sent a position paper. Friend Ferdie (who is also an officer of the organization) and I were in Angeles City then for a planning workshop organized by the Philippine National AIDS Council. We drafted the position paper, sent it to the other officers for their comments. Luckily, Joel (another officer) was free that day, and he attended the hearing representing TLF. I learned later that ours was the first paper read during the hearing.

Actually, I panicked belatedly upon learning that no major commentary or editing was made, the paper was read as is. I reminded them that I sent them a draft, I should have emphasized that it was a VERY ROUGH DRAFT. The night that we wrote the paper, it was after the workshop's socials, I wasn't sure if my head was still attuned to make some serious writing. Ferdie actually made the first attempt; he "scribbled" a few sentences/paragraphs then later told me to fill in some more. He fell asleep as I wrote. I was actually just listening and singing as I wrote, the New Wave Top 100 was playing on my laptop then.

The Board met tonight at my place. I implored them to let me review the paper again before we distribute it to other people. I learned from Jonas (who is both Board member and LAGABLAB officer) that he will be compiling all the position papers to become part of the report of the Senate Committee who held the hearing. Anyway, below is the revised version, comments most welcome.

- - - - - - - - - -

The Anti-Discrimination Bill – Senate Bill number 1738, in particular – reduces homophobia. It's passage and eventual enactment will reduce acts of discrimination and social exclusion exacted among Filipinos who are lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders (LGBT's). This legislation shall be a very valuable contribution in enabling a healthy, just and humane society for ALL Filipinos. It shall aid in transforming our society from the social violence of discrimination to one that fully recognizes, respects and upholds human dignity regardless of perceived or actual sexual orientation and gender identities among its citizens.

We are members of TLF Sexuality, Health and Rights Educators Collective, an organization of gay men who are community educators, trainers and advocates working for the promotion of human rights among LGBT's as well as work with men who have sex with men (MSM) for the prevention of sexually transmitted infections, including HIV or the virus that causes AIDS. We are a civil society member of the Philippine National AIDS Council (PNAC), the multi-sector body empowered by Republic Act 8504 to oversee the integrated and comprehensive country response to HIV/AIDS. We represent MSM communities, considered as one of the most-at-risk populations for HIV/AIDS.

In our work, we facilitate development of behavior and support systems that enable individuals and communities to protect them selves from harm, to prevent them selves from becoming vulnerable to health risks. When homophobia is minimized, gay men, bisexuals and other MSM are less likely to hide or deny their gender identities. When society enables them to safely come out from its proverbial shadows, health promotion efforts like those from our organization (and even from the government's own programs) become more accessible, their social and economic needs better met, their potentials to contribute to community and national development maximized.

Currently, this is not the scenario. Delivering health promotion programs for gay men, bisexuals and other MSM remain to be one of the most daunting. Learning to prevent consequences of risky sexual activity and enabling them to seek for appropriate health information and services fall below targets set by the Department of Health and PNAC. Unprotected male-to-male sexual behavior accounts for over 20 percent of HIV infections, or based on the most recent update on the country's HIV/AIDS Registry, that would be almost 600 cases. New cases have been increasing annually, and more worryingly, it is now at its fastest rate in 10 years.

Reduced homophobia helps in addressing a variety of issues, the HIV/AIDS epidemic included. Together with other United Nations member-states, the Philippines has committed that by year 2010 we have moved towards achieving universal access to prevention, treatment, care and support for people at risk for, already infected and affected by HIV/AIDS. In the last UN special session reviewing gains toward this commitment, many HIV prevention efforts, including the Philippines' own, have failed to sufficiently reach gay men, bisexuals, transgenders and other MSM. Upon renewal of commitments, the chief of the UN agency on AIDS have once again advocated resolving homophobia as this being one of the "fundamental drivers" of the worldwide pandemic. He recognized that reducing homosexual stigma and preventing discrimination among LGBT persons will help curb the spread of HIV/AIDS.

The country's HIV/AIDS epidemic, currently almost 3,000 confirmed cases, representing what could already be up to 20,000 people living with HIV/AIDS, is now classified as hidden and growing. Arresting homophobia as a fundamental driver of the epidemic will be of great significance in finally controlling and reversing this ravaging trend. And more importantly, we believe, resolving stigma and discrimination will give redress for those who have suffered and those who are presently suffering, and enable seeking for redress among those who will suffer in the future. A law preventing discrimination among LGBT persons will do these. We look forward to the day that no Filipino citizen shall be unjustly and inhumanely restricted from full participation in society on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity, all under the protective and empowering law of the land.

9 August 2006, Makati City, Philippines
(Revised 11 August 2006)

Nothing day made special

It was a nothing day, meaning, it was a day that consisted of my usual run of things. If I was not in the office trying to solve a million and one things, I would be at home trying to rediscover the Internet or cable TV, or yet still, I would be in the mall buying stuff and paying bills. Which was what I was looking like doing for most of the day that day - paying bills. I even thought, maybe if I had enough cash left in my wallet after this, I'd grab something to eat. It was so, so normal.

Inside the bank, thankfully cooler, heat outside was punishing; I was queued up as soon as I filled my payment slip for my and hunny's credit card bills. This being the middle of the day, the queue wasn't that long, as usually the case in between the rush of lunch breaks and office-to-home. I remember I was looking at the FOREX rates, USD improved versus PHP; that was good for my small stash of USD's, I thought. I was about to start fantasizing again what I could do with my USD's saved up when the a stranger's finger tapped my back. It was slight, I was almost not sure if someone's had actually called my attention. I tried to pretend to look bored and turned around.

I couldn't explain the feeling. I felt I knew him but not quite. He was someone I know, used to know, never quite really known, all of the above, all at once. But it was a good feeling, inspite being inexplicable. All to soon, like as soon as the neurons started working and confirming and settling the initial disbelief/shock/whatev's, I was able to make the most dashing and sophisticated acknowledgment known to man: "Oh, hey!" I felt stupid. I couldn't remember what he was saying then, my mind was still running its catalogue/cross-referencing program and I've run out of RAM. The rest of my body and senses were running on automatic. The last thing I remember was that he asked me to stay after I made my payments, and that he was about to settle his own bills. So I sat at one of the bank's waiting benches, underneath now-ignored FOREX rates chart.

We went out of the bank together. I knew he was on his way home, and I was on my way somewhere. I couldn't remember then where I was supposed to go. This day of automaton order suddenly ditched into disarray. Luckily, my feet found its rightful direction. He went my way (which was away from where I think he should be heading), us exchanging Q-and-A's also known as small talk. I was admiring at how healthy and happy he looked, though I never had the chance to actually find out if he were. A small piece of tissue paper peeked on his left shoulder underneath his shirt; the heat was punishing, he was taking care of himself. Somewhere in SM Makati's mall we stopped, exchanged numbers, then went separate ways. I knew as I walked and watched our distances widen that I panicked. I was feeling uncomfortable for not having the right words or questions to keep us talking. But also I was feeling needy and wishful for this happy moment to go on; having it ended so abruptly under the guise of getting on with the business of the day was wee-bit painful. I remembered what I was supposed to do next: I was going to pay my cellphone bill.

He texted a reassuring note. At the time, I was inside the Globe business center, regretting for favoring this forever-slow queue over what could be tremendously fabulous time with an old friend (maybe over coffee or something of the like). Ah, there's hope for a next time... maybe the next time would be more special...

Wired with a twist of lime

In between e-mailing, phone calls, writing "stuff" and the usual rounds of blogs and sites, a few weeks ago, I discovered somewhat belatedly the addictive pleasures of Limewire. In between oohs and ahhs, and some tsk-tsk's, I no sooner delved into downloading music of my youth, ano pa nga ba, new wave. But what ELSE to download? I've already amassed several "underground" and new wave mp3 collections courtesy of CD peddlers of Makati and Manila. Google would have to give some suggestions. Which led me, though I don't recall exactly how (isn't that just the charm of Google?), to DigitalDreamDoor, the personal site of some guy named Lew, who had this passion for both music and making lists. There was a list of what the site believes are the 100 greatest new wave songs. And no sooner in finishing the whole 100 entry-list I realized what a hick I've been as a kid. I couldn't recall over half of the entries.

To quench my curiosity, Limewiring became the fitting strategy to meet the objective. And that's how a week-and-a-half-long vigil started. It was a fulfilling vigil, actually. Sometimes, I'd get disappointed for not having to find open servers from where the files can be downloaded. Argghh! Then sometimes, the available downloads were not really of good quality. Kainiz! But by and large, it was a fun experience. But the most fun, of course, was telling friends (and them getting involved) about it. And I had one perfect guy in mind. Ferdie. A good friend, one of the officers of the organization, and born into this world not with an infantile wail but with a song and dance production number.

Somewhere in the middle of my Limewire-like-crazy phase, he visited and got as much involved with the list as I did... in a matter of seconds. I particularly remember this one instance. Though I had my suspcion what the song was, I wasn't sure. Until this list, I thought I know everything about new wave. Ano ba itong "Too Shy"? And what in the world is/was Kajagoogoo?! Ferdie suddenly broke into his song-and-(a bit of) dance number. We were thinking of the same thing. Then we almost simultaneously asked each other, "new wave ba ito??" So then, a Limewire search was in order for Kajagoogoo. We were also both dunzo for some other songs on the list. But as soon as we downloaded some, the epiphanies came "Ay, alam ko na to! So yun pala yun..."

My hunny, though in a more somber manner, got into it as well, him more interested in pursuing some of his own curiosities. While continuing with the list, I searched for some of his requests, essentially Big Country and Alan Parsons Project. (The latter one was not new wave, but I found out that DigitalDreamDoor listed it as one of the most underrated artists. Hunny and I agree.) My hunny even helped fixing one download, "Send Me An Angel" by Real Life; it had a skip in the middle. I e-mailed the file to him and he fixed the skip through Sound Forge. When I got it back, I thought it sounded better than when I first downloaded it. I love him to bits!

Two nights ago, I was down to just several seemingly rare, hard-to-find mp3's. Limewire had them listed but servers hosting them don't seem to come up when I was online. I felt frustration for having only two left unfound, especially that I have also made a resolve to do something with my new found collection. I wanted to share this with friends and family. (Profiting from this actually crossed my mind, but hey, I'm a "Fair Use" kind of guy. I'm almost HIP - or I try to honor intellectual property when I have the money for it.) I was almost at the point of giving up on the idea when Ferdie visited again and I proudly updated him with my Limewire discoveries. At six in the morning (he then just arrived from Legazpi, where he manages our project over there), we were exchanging raves and he was egging me to look for other sources, "other" being purchasing music online. WTF?! Me? Buy music, when there's just about thousands available for free?? Well, there may be thousands, but for two, he reminded me. He was feeding into my desperation. What the hell... I pulled out my credit card.

Some sites like iTunes charge a fortune for downloads, around 0.99USD per song. 50 pesos is already full meal in a carinderia -- at may softdrinks pa yun! Was I that desperate? I gotta search for more alternatives; I must be desperate and crazy, but I've enough sense remaining to look for alternatives. The new wave gods sent me an angel as I googled for alternative download-for-pay sites. I happened on MP3Search.ru and it only charges 0.10USD per download. There must be a catch, I couldn't believe it. The catch was I have to have my credit charged for 20USD at the minimum, and charges will be debited for every download I was to make. Hmmm... still sounded like a fair deal. Plus, there was Ferdie cheering me from behind. I was able to download the rare ones, "Messages" (OMD) and "Reaping the Wild Wind" (Ultravox) -- after listening, I thought they sounded far better than some of the freely downloaded and later trashed mp3's. (After all, their songs had 192kbps sample rates as well as the new VBR "standard.") I also decided to download two more, which I got through Limewire but were of poorer quality (actually, the beginning and fade-out ending portions were cut): "Love and Money" (Bronski Beat) and "Some Like It Hot" (The Power Station).

This morning, I put my plans to pilot test. I bought some CDR's and burned my downloads on one; this one's gonna go to Ferdie. If there's one person who's gonna utterly love me for this alone, it's gonna be him, I thought. And why should I just burn a CD and send him like it's not really special? So early Sunday morning, I googled for some JPG's and designed a cover for the CD's jewel case. And tonight, Eon wondered at how I've made this obsession into a full, short-term career. I shrugged and had stupid grin on my face. I felt very happy.

Lighten up in rainbow colors

It's been almost two weeks since I bought a book entitled "Rainbow Boys" from Fully Booked at the new mall to top all malls - what else? - the Mall of Asia. It's an exceedingly easy read, but of course, it's intended for young adults. I have to commend Fully Booked for getting this book's classification right. Actually a friend (from way back), who turned out worked for the store, confided that he knew of this book (and he wasn't surprised that I bought it) and that some other branches usually stack this title up in the wrong shelves. (Ah, such intelligence from bookstore sales staff, reminds me of that movie "You Got Mail.")

Many sections of the story would indulge the reader of high-school-gurlish swoon, but hey, sometimes, especially when days get too hectic like mine did, escapist young-love romance ek-ek is just about the right prescription. But I've to say, Rainbow Boys is light reading of exceptional quality - and of extremely great value especially for young "questioning" adults. How I wished I could've read something like this way back when (God knows my life then needed some enlightenment like this book offered).

I quote here one of my favorite "scenes." On this part of the story, one of the Rainbow Boys, Nelson, and his mom participate in a school board hearing for Nelson's school's proposal to start a gay-straight alliance.

Nelson's mom was called next. She walked to the front and sat at the microphone. "It's said a picture is worth a thousand words. Since I only have one minute..." She opened her pocketbook and passed the photo of six-year-old Nelson to the board president.

Nelson squirmed with embarrassment as his mom continued: "That's my son, taken his first morning of kindergarten. Smiling. Happy. When I picked him up that afternoon, however, you would see a very different picture of him. Crying. Hurt. Sad. You see, his very first day of school he learned a new work: 'sissy.' The next morning he begged me not to make him go back."

Nelson had forgotten all that. Now he understood why she'd brought the photo.

"I promised him school would get better. I believed it then. Now I realize I lied. For the past twelve years, every single school day he's been called names and obscenities, while most teachers have stood by silently. Some school officials even told him he brought it upon himself."

She looked at Mueller [the school principal], who turned away from her gaze.

"Simply because he walks and talks differently from other boys, he's been hit, beat up, spit upon, and received death threats."

Nelson slid down his seat, wishing she hadn't told everyone he'd been spit upon.

She looked straight at him. "There have been days when I wished my son hadn't been born gay. Not because I love him less for it," she said emphatically, "but so he wouldn't have to endure so much suffering."

She looked at Fenner's dad [father of a student who seems to be a Bible-beating conservative]. "Some here talk about family values while in the same breath they disparage a group that would foster values of tolerance and understanding. I don't know what those families have as their values. But I know students should be able to attend school without being abused. I believe this group will help achieve that. Thank you."

School board members passed the photograph back, looked one another, and nodded.

Nelson sat thinking. In spite of his embarrassment, he sensed his mom had made the best point of anyone yet.

[Alex Sanchez, Rainbow Boys, pages 180-181]

Rainbow Boys is first of a series of three novels. Read about it from Alex Sanchez's, the author's, website here. And oh, by the way, Happy Pride Month to you all!

Up-down-side-side

It's been almost a week now since I first felt it. Vertigo. I first mistaken the feeling as persistent headache. When I had myself checked up, the doctor concluded it must be benign positional vertigo. Some fancy way of saying that I feel all woozy when I abruptly shift the position of my head or body, much like the light-headed/swimming/swirling feeling one gets on roller coaster or ferris wheel rides.

I actually went to the Patient First clinic at the Glorietta to have my blood pressure checked. Believing then that it was persistent headache of three days, my friends insisted that I have my blood pressure checked. Funny too how I value my own health; I went to the clinic as side trip to my round of bill payments in the mall. The blood pressure was not alarming, according to the nurse/attendant, but it was elevated. I was told that I should be concerned with the reading but it didn't explain my head problem. So I relented to a doctor's consultation. But only after an eye examination, essentially the DEFPOTEC eye chart. The doctor looked into my ears; she noted "tympanic membrane intact." Then she said it could be related to my ear's semi-circular canals, which are responsible for my sense of balance. Some "bearings" in my semi-circular canals might be displaced... or something like that.

The doctor also said the vertigo must be due to steady diet riddled with too much caffeine and/or MSG. Caffeine, since I don't drink coffee much, may not be it. Chocolates then? The doctor offered. Not much of that also as of late. Though I have to admit, I do love chocolates. MSG, then? Probably. Lately, I have been on a steady speedy meal ticket of mainly fastfood fare. Which is difficult for me to control really. I mean, I'm usually prey to the mystery ingredients of fastfood offers since I'm almost always on the road to somewhere. And I don't cook at home ordinarily (which means that from time to time, or in exceptionally rare moments, I do practice some domestic cooking duties, and thankfully, are not destined to be total disasters).

The doctor recommended several things. First, head exercises when vertigo feeling sets in. Second, a check-up with an EENT specialist. Their specialist will be on-duty much later in the afternoon and I couldn't afford to wait that long because again I was on my way to somewhere out of town. That then would be a future consultation. Third, she gave me prescription: a course of B-complex vitamins and SERC to manage the vertigo episodes. I haven't started on this course yet. I thought the prescription was rather pointless.

My hunny checked on me the evening post-consultation. Through a lengthy exchange of text messages, I told him that the head exercises are helping and I seem to be getting used to the vertigo episodes. I still haven't done anything to address the diet issues. And I've yet to find my way back into the clinic for that EENT consultation. As for the prescription, I think I've lost the paper thingy during the rush of printing work documents and clothes packing. Such a model I am for health maintenance!

Code broken and found wanting

I finally got to watch the Ron Howard/Tom Hanks billed "Da Vinci Code," and boy, was I so right in feeling more than a year ago not to read the novel until I see the movie. I was with eon last Saturday when I saw it, and he admitted that it would seem that it was better seen without having to have read the novel.

I enjoyed it a bit, save for the clumsiness of some dialogue and scenes. Then I remembered reading somewhere how the filmmakers were proud to say that they were almost faithful to the novel's narrative. Uh-oh, I thought then, I remembered one Harry Potter movie having had the same sales pitch. Now, I can read the novel. I bought an illustrated version of the novel more than a year ago, just about the same time that it was announced that it was going to be made into a movie. I held off the reading then.

I found the movie funny when sometimes the dialogue seemed to spoonfeed viewers, very much like how children's shows are (think Blue's Clues or Sesame Street). In particular, I giggled at Sophie Neveu's/Audrey Tatou's lines about the Mona Lisa and the Madonna of the Rocks while inside the Louvre with Robert Langdon/Tom Hanks. And the persistent addressing of "Professor" (or maybe some other title) when she spoke with Langdon. I read somewhere that one of the curious characteristics of a B-grade movie is the persistent addressing of characters' names in dialogue like "Professor, don't you know blah-blah-blah" then "We have to blah-blah-blah, Professor..." then "Professor, what do you blah-blah-blah..." It was also bothersome to keep on hearing some musical scoring swell for emotional heightening or mood setting. Very Pinoy, I thought, si Jimmy Fabregas ba ang scorer? Viva Films ba ito? As for some stunt sequences, I think Bruckheimer could have orchestrated better, he he.

But surely, as one review I read on Newsweek, some guy who essentially trashed the whole film (which I really think is unfair - in fairness), the movie picked up for the better with impeccable Sir Ian McKellen. He was more engaging in the background talk than any other character.

The delight that I had for the movie must probably be due to witnessing how Dan Brown has cleverly put together different legends and theories into one stacked up conspiracy story. He sifted, weighed and threaded different snippets into "play" as fictive truths then putting more of probably his own. It's clearly fiction, all the hullaballoo that Catholic leaders and groups raised about this are baseless and unnecessary, I think. (This I still believe, despite what Brown had allegedly insisted as fact.) Of those who raised issue about this film, I think the most valid now would be from the albino community - the misfit stereotype characterization of Silas/Paul Bettany is unfair and stigmatizing to albinos.

As I watched, I was also looking for some visual clues that would later have to explain its own relevance in the story. It's the Hollywood formula for mystery/thriller. I had four theories: (1) this is about Sophie Neveu; (2) the code will be a very simple but relevant word, phrase or sentence; (3) the Catholic faith will not be revolutionized (this is Hollywood, there must be some kind of convenient closure!); and (4) the story will resolve back into the Louvre (don't disregard Langdon's harping on the I.M. Pei glass pyramid at the start!). The fourth one, I particularly held at the back of my mind, it's classic mystery writing, Agatha Christie legacy: the best way to keep something hidden is to keep it where it's most obvious.

In consideration of the novel/film for its significance overall, I think the most revealing article I read was also from that same Newsweek magazine (which I bought the same night, when eon and I went for "nightcap" snacks at 7-Eleven near our place). The magazine's main feature was on Mary Magdalene or the "Inconvenient Woman." The article believes that Da Vinci Code's treatment of Mary Magdalene was not revolutionary at all, in fact, very old fashioned. Catholics have grown up to regard the Magdalene as prostitute. Da Vinci Code claims to have revolutionized Magdalene as bride/mother. Yet the character "has continued to be defined by sex.... important for her body more than her mind." The article quotes Karen King, the author of "The Gospel of Mary of Magdala":

"Why do we feel we need to re-sexualize Mary? We've gotten rid of the myth of the prostitute. Now there's this move to see her as wife and mother. Why isn't it adequate to see her as disciple and perhaps apostle?"

Madness of May... and turning 33

May has flown so fast like it was shorter than the its own three-lettered name. Not quite the end of the month, but days before, I was almost ready to call it quits. My TTD's (things to do) was being stuffed like a thanksgiving turkey (or for more local color like rellenong bangus) as days wore on. May was, and is, a blur, and I actually turned 33 last week. I made a simple reminder alert on my cellphone just in case I'd forget. Fortunately, some people did also remember to greet, foremost my hunny, mom, sis and dad (in this order too). And to the rest of the peeps who remembered to greet, a million thanks!

I was also almost flying ceaselessly in places, work related for most of the time, of course. Labor Day weekend was a short but fulfilling on-impulse respite for eon and I in Baguio. As always, even before I've had the words in my head to blog about it, eon has his already uploaded. First week of May brought me, and all the Global Fund staff in San Pablo for the training of trainers. Then off to Legazpi for the project management team's evaluation of our work in the region. There was a short trip to Donsol that came with this. As it was short, I essentially just slept in, the nearest I got to see the butanding (whale shark) was a poster on the check in counter where we stayed. In between, there were the "showbiz" appearances for the AIDS Candlelight Memorial ceremonies, first in Gumaca, then in San Pablo. I'm attending one for Pasay City later today. Then on Friday, there's one more for Metro Manila in Marikina Riverbanks. Last week, I attended a workshop at Fontana in Clarkfield, Pampanga organized by Tropical Disease Foundation for the fifth round Global Fund AIDS project. I celebrated my birthday with a plenary presentation in the workshop.

With so much work to be done, my mind is running on auto-cruise. I work on impulses. I had to trust myself for doing the right things without so much preponderance going into my actions. I also had to be most prayerfully trusting of my peers, as many other smaller but equally important details had to be decided and acted on their end. And speaking of prayers, I have seemed to develop short, silent, personal packets of time, breathing wishes of things to eventually come out right.

There are the bigger issues of course, of which at this point can be considered I'm in denial. Global Fund round 3's phase one coming to an end, our performance was considerably good (and maybe better than some others) but "they" want us out. Ouch! Global Fund round 5's around the corner, and "they" are already typecasting our role even before things have officially begun. Double ouch! Then, LEAD for Health just got pre-terminated, all SIO's (like us) have only until June 15th to accomplish, and until two days ago, they even hadn't transmitted a replenishment of funds. Triple ouch! Such madness! I remember last year, which now seemed to be ages ago, that some people told me USAID projects are a nightmare. I told them I'd wanted to find that out myself. Truly, now I can say, I found out.

Jimmy and Marc -- yay!

Jimmy Somerville and Marc Almond together! What a precious find!

Google video's number one -- truly a wowser

Digging into dark secrets, there came light

I think I've always been fascinated with the dark secrets of Catholicism. I wanted to find an angle for my blog entry about the Gospel of Judas, that fine piece of documentary-cum-expose shown by National Geographic before the Holy Week. Initially, I asked myself, why do I feel so compelled to write something about it? Then some impish alterego voice in my head chided: "Wrong question. The question is: why are you becoming obsessed with things like this lately?" And as I tried to recall my fascinations as far back as I could, I realized (and defended against that impish voice) that it's not an obsession-come-lately. It has always been there.

Back in grade school, I remember going to the Guadalupe minor seminary for a recollection activity. A confidante-classmate and I broke away from the group during our free time and prowled the seminary, went into the obscure and darker areas, half-hoping to discover something or be freaked out by -- oh, I dunno -- a ghost(?)

Then there was television. Around the same time, I remember repeatedly watching this horror/thriller movie shown in the afternoon. (It could be on RPN-9.) The movie was called "The Sentinel," it's about a secret order who manage the succession of hermits, who become "guards" in an apartment building that was actually a portal from which all evil could invade the human world. I might have seen it more recently, and I'm quite sure I watched it like I've never seen it before.

In high school, that period of heart-wrenching identity crisis, I got involved with the "born again" movement. Much less because of my loss of faith in the Catholic church but more because of finding "healing" from my identity crisis via a more personal relationship with the Christ. Strange logic, strange times, and a very strange me actually. I was very ravenous about reading one book, the title which escapes me now. It's about the Catholic church being the prophesied "whore of Babylon." There was a chapter there that reduced many of the Roman Catholic church's rituals and artifacts into numbers, and all of those cited amounted to 666.

In college, I seemed to have lost passion for anything spiritual. That sounded empty, I dunno, I could have been empty. And I could have lost trust in myself in being able to reconcile spirituality with corporality. There simply were no clear answers. I rejected spirituality. Later in college, and into my early days of working "rackets," I was fortunately too busy and too restless to take some time off and think into these things.

The late nineties was worse, in retrospect. I lost my advertising job thanks to the Asian financial crisis. Mom started a small business and I worked for her: there were days that I earned less than a peso. Because I had nothing much else to do, I went back to attending Sunday mass. It felt good to actually do something, if not for just acting or going through the motions of the mass rituals. Eventually, but by no means clearly distinguishable by time, place or event, I again sort of got fascinated with Catholicism, including all its pa-grandiosity. Maybe because of friend gregg who had lived a monastic life once, no, make that twice. Or maybe because I'm growing old. *Insert pregnant silence here* No definite answers there.

Then the Da Vinci Code broke the silence of the Catholicized norm. Or that's how some people think... it was because of that book that people warmed to questioning again. Someone told that to me actually, I don't remember who, it might be eon. My growing interest for digging the roots of Catholicism was spurred by the popularity of the book and the intrigues that it created. Ano ako, faddist?

I'm quite sure that I began to reconsider my displaced spirituality after I attended a workshop organized by Health Action Information Network (HAIN); "Defending the Faith," it was called, and it was for workers in reproductive health (and by extension, HIV/AIDS, where I am at). It felt like falling off a chair while dozing when Mike Tan began talking about his own efforts at reacquainting himself with Christianity. I always get mesmerized with Mike's talks, especially those where he makes connections between facts and figures and socio-cultural values. But up until this workshop, I haven't heard him speak of matters of faith, particularly one that enabled him to disclose what I'd think is a very personal matter. (It was way too subjective-sounding for me to associate it with Mike.)

Having been demonized by certain groups and leaders, our passion for our work in RH and HIV/AIDS seemed to have alienated us from the Church. (Have you heard of DEATH as an acronym? Divorce, euthanasia, abortion, total population control programs, homosexuality, things that would allegedly threaten to end humanity.) I admit, I had the notion of our work and us having irreconcilable differences with the teachings of the church. But it should have not necessarily been so, it now seems. I learned about the Church having shifted several times in history in its position about sexuality and reproduction issues. I had fun doing that Mary of Magdala exercise, where we deconstructed all the previous (and heretofore unquestioned) characterizations of Mary Magdalene, the prostitute. I have never appreciated "The Church is the People" argument as much before until this workshop. At the end of all our discussions, we left with one personal resolve: discernment.

Which I think what has led me to my Internet search frenzy. It started with unearthing the now-Vatican-ignored beauty of Vatican II, searching for the gospel of Mary (much discussed about in the wake of the Da Vinci Code pop culture siege), landing at the gnostics resource site, discovering the Nag Hammadi library, getting the perspective of Jewish scholarship on the "New Testament," the forgeries in the gospels, the "Q," and so on and so forth. Gospel of Judas just came at such an opportune time in learning the skills of "discernment."

But what has the Gospel of Judas, the documentary, brought into all this excitement? For me, there were several. First, the gatekeeper known as Irinaeus or his "four winds, four corners of the world, four gospels" principle -- I was flabbergasted that we (i.e., the people) actually bought it. Second, the dynamism of early Christian movements -- how I wished Christianity could be once more as vibrant but this time with much more humane and civil regard for each other. Finally, the Christ characterization in this gospel -- Jesus was a different man, disarming and revolutionary in his time, I'd like to believe; in this text, this characterization was very clear.

I grew up discouraged from questioning. Millions of others over many, many years may have been as well. With the fortification of one -- uh -- brand of Catholicism, the light of the dynamic Christian faith discourse has been snuffed out. How disempowered people have become in face of such a monolith, no? Surely, there are so much more questioning to do (for example, "What about infallibility and all that?") As for myself, however, one thing can never be questioned anymore: I'm now aware/discerning and I shall never be unaware/unquestioning ever again.

Passion and ideals: the iBlog 2

Quite the last minute, yesterday I signed up for, and today attended, iBlog 2 - the Second Philippine Blogger Summit held at the UP College of Law. I was making my usual round of blog reading yesterday when I happened on the announcement at PCIJ's blog. I don't consider myself at the cutting edge of blogging and podcasting - in fact, up until the summit, podcasting was abstract to me. But registration was free, that was enough motivation for me even at the risk of further delaying several pending work. Besides, I have a meeting scheduled with the Philippine National AIDS Council's advocacy committee in Quezon City anyway, I told myself. I could squeeze in a bit of time... much like the way Mr. Incredible's deciding to do some more saving of humanity hours before his wedding. "I've got time," I could almost hear myself mimicking.

Perhaps more than the free registration, I have been long curious at how the Pinoy blogging community really looked like. I long wanted to have a sense of how the real people behind their blogs and their words come together, relate to each other, beyond cyberspace. And it was somehow a pleasant experience. I initially thought I would be seeing a truly geek-dom community, talking in pure geekabulary, and that in all of this, I would be astounded and amused. I was impressed (not just mere amusement); I was truly impressed at how articulate and insightful some of the speakers are with issues on free speech and human development work. I dig these guys.

Foremost in my mind, I couldn't forget at how pleasant my experience was with Manuel Quezon III's presentation on political blogging (or Manolo, as he is fondly referred in blogosphere). I confess that I didn't get to see all the sessions, I wasn't able to attend the summit in its entirety as I had a meeting-appointment at Philippine Information Agency (as I said). But for the several sessions I did attend, Manolo's was I think one that made my intellectual juices flowing. Maybe because I was reflecting at how sometimes his blog and his name have been referred so many times in comments at the PCIJ blog. More perhaps because of this discovery of the PCIJ blog was due to my rummaging blogosphere of PD-1017 (or somewhat the mini Martial rule that transpired in late February). So much maligning of personalities actually came into ether-space print, Manolo's not exempted. Yet there he was, calm and somehow very discerning of how all of this created a picture of many online Filipinos' intellectualism. Personally, I think it also reaffirmed my positive outlook of all this talk then: dissent, fear not, for it's part of the dynamism of democratic discourse. (How's that for alliteration? hehe)

I regret that I wasn't able to attend Dean Alfar's and Jonas Diego's talks. I met ricci at the summit; he is one of our peer educators for the outreach project in Pasay and Manila. When I got back from the PNAC/PIA meeting, he told me that Dean's talk "Write Here, Write Now" was very lively. I also wanted to check out Jonas Diego's talk, I haven't met him previously, but his topic "Comic Books and Blogging" I was curious about. Ever since I had reconnected with a high school friend, saintvladymir (a.k.a. oliver), who you may now best know for his "Lexy, Nance, Argus" opus, I got a glimpse into yet another circle of immensely creative and passionate people. I'm not a comic book artist nor a graphic novelist (oliver, some day, you gotta give me some 101 here), but I truly long to experience once again, even as participant observer, the camaraderie of such spirited communities. Here romance and ideals throb and thrive. It is I think what some speakers in the summit referred to as niches of the mass audience that blogging and podcasting are thriving and evolving into unique, very special media of communication.

If next year there would be an iBlog 3, I'd definitely make time to attend. I'd resolve to participate more, maybe, even share my experience as a worker on HIV/AIDS and an advocate of the LGBT community. They haven't heard from this niche yet. Besides, maybe I'd get to see the cuties again, and there were really more than a few of them in this summit. Now, isn't that motivation enough? *tongue-in-cheek*

Just as fab to stay in the city

I wasn't attracted to the idea of going out of town for the long summer holiday, i.e. Holy Week. Going out of town was a big part of my job since our Global Fund project started in 2004. My idea of a holiday was to feel rich, lazy, without a care in the world, not putting effort to distances traveled. Maybe that's why we ended up vacationing in a hotel in Manila.

There was actually an earlier plan to go to Donsol, watch and play with the butanding (whale sharks). But planning became too difficult, getting to Bicol being the most difficult of all. Two weeks before Holy Week, every form of comfortable transport was fully booked already. Two other remaining options were the airconditioned train and rent-a-car. Remaining not because they're still available, but because we don't have leads at the moment. Then came news from my staff in Legazpi that Donsol's accommodations were already full, so option was just to make a day trip then head back to Daraga or Legazpi for accommodations. It's beginning to sound like holiday hell, and it hasn't even started yet. Ditch Donsol, I said.

There was the Puerto Galera option always ready and willing for consideration. But for several years now, like since 2003, I've noticed that getting accommodations in Galera had increasingly been harder. The most convenient way of getting accommodations was to check in before Holy Week. We couldn't afford that. Both my hunny and I still had our hands full at work up until Wednesday. Also, I'm not sure which was getting older faster, me or the Galera scene. I didn't experience Galera the way my "lolas" have often fabulously reminisced about it. I first arrived in Galera 1998, on its allegedly sudden boom of holiday tourists. And if you could just imagine being a vacationer wanting some peace and quiet, you won't have it in Galera on Holy Week.

So check in at the Tropicana hotel in Malate I did. We did: ron, eon, rex. It's not actually the richness that one could compare with, say, Shangri-la hotel. But we did the Shangri-la bit earlier, Thursday: we had lunch together, at the lobby's buffet luncheon, after realizing that Glorietta was essentially shut down for the holidays.

Tropicana would do, it's cheap -- er, affordable -- enough to feel rich and lazy, which was the priority tone to be set for this vacation anyway. And of course, the sun and swim. Tropicana had a swimming pool, cozy, discreet and well maintained. Not too many kids stay in this hotel, a big plus in my book. It also helped that ron and rex were with us; they took care of so many details keeping "house." I just had to think of very pressing vacation matters: rest, watch TV, eat, swim, eat again. Eon slept... slept a lot. One dinner also was in T.G.I.Friday's (the only one open at nearby Robinsons Place)... my friend gregg and I once talked about how expensive eating out has gotten lately; at TGIF that night, our bill amounted almost as much as our overnight accommodations at Tropicana.

There was a time I remember that summer uber fabulosity was also measured by how much you've toasted yourself under the sun. So post-Galera, guys would come together, hang out, see and be seen sporting Hawaiian Tropic or Coppertone aided shades of skin color. Last Saturday, eon and I spent a day of loitering and shopping at Glorietta, and we decided to cap our mall adventures with a night of singing at the movies in Greenbelt. We went to see RENT (Eon's first for the movie, my second). Someone saw me, a friend from way back (the earlier days of TLF's community center), who was also about to see the movie. He remarked that I seemed to have a very fulfilling summer vacation. I was nicely bronzed. I didn't go out of town at all, I said, I opted to stay in the city, and results were just fine (and fab, I could've added).

Putting heartbreak to good use

A special announcement-invitation from my friends. Some people really have very creative ways of getting over heartbreak... pero, kailangan ba talagang isali pa kami? *lol*

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It started with love. It ended with pain. Now that the numbness has set in, let the experience blossom into print on pages that would utter the undying line "how-could-you-do-this-to-me" in more funny ways than one. And coming from a gay man's point of view, pepper those heartaches with a dash of wit and a pound of humor. Then, serve it fresh from the oven like the classic mammon, the pedestrian metaphor embodying our vulnerable and soft gay heart.

So as we ponder in lovelorn self-loathing at stumbling upon the wrong men, or mourning the right one that got away, be part of a book that will churn up the most sumptuous of gay experiences:

NANG MAHIWA ANG PUSONG MAMON Funny Essays and Poems on Gay Heartbreak

We now accept essays and poems to be anthologized in a book that will immortalize lessons in love, which both homos and heteros alike will find a delectable snack between pauses in life's journey. Please note, that even if we want our readers to know about the ways and means we have used to rise above the pain and aguish of being hurt, we also want them to smile (better yet, guffaw) at these funny essays and poems.

After all no matter how seemingly devastating gay heartbreaks can be, transcendence in the form of laughter (ours and theirs) can still emerge from the battlefields of failed relationships.

Please send contribution to this email address. Deadline for submission is on April 30th, 2006.

You write it. We print it. Let us all laugh at it. Then we can all move on.

Lots of love,

Ralph Semino Galan & G.S. Lloren Editors

Tantrum genesis

Just came from Tagaytay, attended a workshop that involved meeting, working and socializing with NGO's from different parts of the country. It was intellectually stimulating experience. I hitched a ride back to Manila from Dok Marlyn, who heads the UNAIDS office in the country, and whom I consider one of my mentors. It would have been a fun, comfortable two-or-less hours of ride back to Manila, but I felt dread inside me. The feeling became stronger as we approached Alabang. The remaining hour of travel was spent crawling from Alabang to Ayala-EDSA; it only complicated my feelings with annoyance.

The dread did have a name and a face... oh it had several names and faces, but collectively can be called work. For awhile I was able to deny its pressures in cool and windy Tagaytay. The hotel where we stayed was not definitely Paradise Regained but it did serve its purpose of temporarily alleviating some of the work pressure. The workshop however was definitely not for one seeking pleasure in idle-thinking. It was major brainstorming. I'm used to this. NGO work has since made my brains work harder.

I got off Ayala Avenue, the afternoon rush was in full swing, made special by Friday, and extra-special by a Glorietta concert -- or a melee of staging, equipment and onlookers of what will be one. I didn't have much baggage with me; I pack light. But packing light is relative and its real benefits situational, you see. I had my laptop on one shoulder. My small bag of clothes and toiletries on the other. On either hand I had pasalubong treats, which I bought at the Good Shepherd sisters' convent in Tagaytay. The pasalubong were not comfy carriage. One bag had buko pie, which needed to be carried like a pizza. Another bag had a box of suman latik, jiggling with a plastic container of ube and a bottle of maka-nata jam (combo of macapuno and nata de coco -- this one's for me). All that baggage, while dodging other pedestrians, the sweltering heat, the carbon monoxide... you get the picture.

After playing patintero with buses at EDSA, and finally getting into a cab, I decided to drop by the office first. I could say I had the option not to drop by the office anymore, but I really couldn't. The office is just across the street from my house. Even if I tried to ignore the office's presence, it easily calls and strums all guilt. So I just peeked into the house, dropped most of my stuff (the buko pie was pasalubong to the staff), then went to office. As I took seat, the dread that was growing earlier manifested itself into a slew of fax notices, phone messages, litanies of things done/undone/undergoing, and other, shall we say, prime-grade irritainment. Did all what could be easily dispensed, then peeled myself out of the chair, then rushed across the street to home... where my "family" was, for whom most pasalubong were for, and with whom over cigarettes and coffee (but a glass of water for me) I could have trivialized tribulations of the day. But they were not home. Not YET? I wasn't sure, specially with my hunny, who texted that he was out with buddies.

I didn't know what it was, but something tugged inside. I went into a mood, and it was definitely not light and bubbly. I went back to office, things/matters/persons that passed through me were regrettably unfortunate. Buti na lang may blog, maybe, I'd feel better after writing this...

Heartbroken

I tried to write something about how I felt after I saw "Brokeback Mountain." I was not able to finish it. I was looking for something. Something inside me. What I knew then was that I left the movie house heartbroken. Then I saw the overflowing of bloggers' reviews. Then I lost my determination of pursuing my Brokeback tribute. Many other people were more magnificently articulate with how they saw the film. I still couldn't find it in me why I was so moved by it. I couldn't find my "angle," which I hoped would be a "unique" contribution to Blogdom. I resisted in speaking about things that other writers have already said; I did not have an angle anymore.

I've heard about Brokeback as a film project long before it got made. I even thought it would never be made. Then the excited buzz came post-Sundance. Then Proulx's short story started circulating in the Yahoo! Groups. I tried very hard to resist the temptation of reading the story before seeing the film. (I gave in anyway.) I was afraid of not being able to appreciate the film if I read the story first. It has happened to me more than once: I not appreciating the film because the "story" was much better. Comparing works this way was not fair. In a paper I wrote for my COM-2 class, I lambasted "The Shining" for believing that (the late) Kubrick had a twisted vision of the story, which I considered one of Stephen King's all-time best works. (I'm a Stephen King fan.) My teacher commented I was quite passionate about the topic. Much later, having matured a bit in college, I realized that film is different language altogether.

I was moved by Brokeback the film. I think it actually enhanced my feelings towards the narrative and the characters. I think the film has helped me personalize the story even more -- reflected facets of the story, thoughts and nuances of characters with "my own story." That was how my friend Wally wrote his feedback/blog entry on Brokeback. He recalled events that led to his coming out, a recall worth 10 years of flashback. The difference between Wally and I, he didn't actually find the film beautiful. I did.

My coming out process would be a flashback worth as much, or maybe, give and take one or two years. Hard to recall actually, not solely for the amount of time that's needed to be leapt back, but also and probably moreso for having long buried some of the more painful details. Hard to recall when only bits and pieces remain of what's most easy to access, or when scary voices of seemingly legion-sized alteregos clamor inside my head, or when I think I am still undergoing this process of coming out. The story isn't finished yet. Maybe one day I'd be able to bring the memories back together and see for myself, for a bigger picture, how much I've fared in coming into my own. But for now, I'd settle for just this fact: that I am still learning to embrace my wholeness (and oh, what an even bigger wholeness I have to embrace now *tongue-in-cheek*).

Several years back, after an high school reunion event, an old friend asked me in relative confidence, "Ikaw, hindi mo pa sinasabi sa 'min, may girlfriend ka na ba, o mag-aasawa ka na ba?" I don't have a girlfriend, but I am in considerably spousal relations. Would that count for dear old friend? "Wala..." I finally exhaled, determined to hang up on this train of conversation. He offered a small smile, but somewhat bitterly. I looked away. He had a glimpse of my high-schoolish, identity-crisised life. He was almost a brother-confidante to me but I denied him and myself a closure.

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In the mean time, I come in solidarity with the rest of Brokeback's fans. I thank all those who believed that this film is 2006's Best Picture. I was in Baguio when the Oscars aired live. I had to rush all the pasalubong shopping to catch the show. Just caught the flash reports on CNN and BBC World. I felt heartbroken once again.