Someone, boost my confidence puh-leez

Just in the nick of time. I had to submit a project proposal today, deadest deadline, 5:00PM, and was able to submit it 4:30PM. For days now, I've been struggling with it. Why couldn't I write when I really needed the skill? Kainis, it's like one of life's cruelest jokes. I was in my puta-writer mode for days, sleeping for most of the day time and wide, wide awake with so many ideas I couldn't even string together cohesively at night. In the early afternoons, when I usually have time to think over and write, nothing came. Just more addiction to the 'Net... staring at a blank MSWord document, then the browser icons just there on the taskbar tempting me "c'mon, you know the URL -- w-w-w-dot-" -- ay kainis talaga! After submission, just after the initial euphoria (usually attributed to beating-the-odds college students with bad study habits), I read my receiving copy, ay jusko, kakahiya, ang daming typo errors. I was feeling all fidgety, while successfully wolfing down a double patty, bacon mushroom melt... then much later, actually, right now, this very moment, I begin to doubt, was it the typo? Could I really be such a nerd to be bothered so much with mere typos?? Or maybe, I'm a different kind of nerd. While having late dinner of sinigang, rice and sprite (yes, trying to maintain just one cup of rice), an evil thought came to me: "you know, you've never really succeeded in getting approved your own damn proposals..." That's not true, I defended, there was Positive Learning, then Positive Lives II... "Oh yeah, Positive Learning, the one you never gotten paid? Positive Lives II?? Jeezus, they asked you to fill in a matrix of blanks... and in both cases, the funders were desperate to get rid of their money..." I could see myself being verbally battered by an evil nemesis-version, I crouching, no! no! no! *cover ears* la-la-la-la... Evil-me is pushing it: "Remember Pan Asia? Remember how much time and effort you put on that one? Remember almost cursing that name? Naaaan-diii-thaaa..." Stop it! "How about the TS/TG sex worker proposal? Wasn't that the first of many??" Stop it! I got the GFATM -- that's our biggest project, that's MY biggest project! "Are you sure it's really yours??" All these things were happening -- but just inside my mind... arghh! If you could have seen me that time, blank faced, a bit bored looking, glassy eyed, legs doing that jog allegedly associated with unconscious masturbation. You wouldn't have guessed the war that was tearing me inside. Maybe a blog confession could help... hmmm, let's try... so here I am -- and I'm stopping now, gotta check if it worked...