Surviving a murderous deadline

I've been writing a lot lately. Not that anybody else notices, considering how I've blogged nothing at all recently, but... I've been writing, in fact, most furiously just last week. I wrote a paper on HIV, AIDS and men who have sex with men in the Philippines, on behalf of the Philippine National AIDS Council, as part of the country's contribution to the conference on MSM and HIV in Asia and the Pacific, which has just commenced as I write in New Delhi, India. There was also a Powerpoint presentation accompanying this paper, which Ferdie mostly did, two of us last week feeling like college students again rushing to finish their thesis.

I wanted to go to India, and I think some people were half expecting that I go too. I declined - rather, we came into a consensus that I should decline. Inspite of initial excitement (I have never been to India yet), we considered that the organization might come to a stand still with Ferdie and I gone. These coming weeks would be crucial for the organization. We are anticipating major things happening like the upcoming scenario for Global Fund rounds three and five. So between Ferdie and I, he was the more likely choice; he is our "permanent" member in the Council, I his "alternate." Together with Ferdie are two NGO representatives from Cebu and Zamboanga, two officials from the health and social welfare departments, and the monitoring and evaluation officer of the Council's secretariat. Dr. Mike Tan was supposed to go as well, organizers in India were hoping he could, but for some reason or other he dropped out a few days ago.

The process that led to this conference was very challenging. It was recommended that before the conference, every participating country should conduct its own consultative meeting. Mobilizing funds for country consultation was difficult; UNAIDS was doing all its best to help come up with funds, but none really could be had at short notice. PNAC was also rushing to attend to so many concerns but at least it was able to assign one secretariat staff to work on the consultation and secure a modest but functional venue (SACCL Conference Room in San Lazaro Hospital). Our group was also doing the best that we can to put together this consultation; de facto, I was thrust into the vortex of all the rush.

As I was gaining my own momentum towards the national consultative meeting, I got pulled out. An Asia-Pacific civil society meeting was going to be held in Bangkok on the same day as the consultation's, August 25. I was asked to represent AP-Rainbow (the network of LGBT organizations in the region) in the meeting. I was considered the logical choice for the meeting as it was about the universal access initiative; I represented the network in the first meeting held in Pattaya, Thailand earlier this year. The national MSM consultative meeting was held just the same, not as "flawless" as I had hoped (and believed it could have, had I been there), but it received positive feedback. As for the meeting I attended, I couldn't say for sure how meaningful the results have come... I sensed a lot of the participants having difficulty in making decisions on behalf of their work, their organizations and their countries. Again, I noticed how "fortunate" the Philippines was when it comes to government-civil society collaborations, particularly on HIV/AIDS. And it was easy to fail in fully appreciating how different the situation was for some of our other Asian neighbors.

As soon as I got back to Manila, I knew that my priority was writing that damned paper. Jonas could have done it for us, but I think he was also neck-deep in his work, both at the Congress and with LAGABLAB. Usually, our choice of writers are down to two in the most dire of situations, either him or me. Then more concerns came parading in such as the operational planning of the AIDS medium-term plan and the evaluation meeting a la road-tour of Global Fund (we had to attend two of these, in Bicol and Southern Tagalog). I was practically doing two things at the same time, almost on every occasion - preparing the paper and attending to the other what-have-you's. One night, I was looking at my desktop calendar and couldn't believe at the amount of working I've been doing. To think, I'm actually not being fully compensated at work right now. Having no ongoing contract projects at the moment, I'm only getting a modest allowance for every day that I report to work, just like a volunteer. Ah, such is the reality of NGO work!

Just a few days ago, Ka Ruthy (who is at the helm of Global Fund's NGO implementers) and I, being both journalism students in college, were talking about the travails and traumas of writing assignments like this paper - she already had more than her share, I'd think, having been involved in development work way before I did. She suggested that we should look into the possibility of having the paper published, as in print, which was something of an unspoken wish for me. It could be the first survey of MSM and HIV work in the country, we agreed, but inside I was also thinking, this would also be an important first for me. I've never yet experienced an ego-booster as having to see published work credited to my name, even back in my public relations and advertising days. I did press releases, background papers and feature articles, which didn't come with a by-line. Some journalists would rather put their own names on the by-line, a little quid pro quo for getting press releases printed on paper. I also wrote for brochures and the like since I started doing NGO work but "self-aggrandizement" is not really the point of publishing those.

Lately, during small packets of time when I could afford some daydreaming, I think about that possibility, of my writing and my name being published. I'd like to believe that having that opportunity would be just compensation for all the tribulations this New Delhi paper-presentation has brought. This paper had a murderous deadline, cheers for having survived... but getting published in return for all the hard work should be the redemption.

[Maybe, I should also publish the paper on the blog, a little at a time, it's fifteen pages long. I told you, the experience was almost like beating the deadline for your college thesis.]

LAGABLAB's open letter to Isagani Cruz

We, members of the Lesbian and Gay Legislative Advocacy Network Philippines (LAGABLAB-Pilipinas), wishes to thank Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist Isagani Cruz for giving us yet another proof that homophobia still exists in our society today. His column ("Don we now our gay apparel, August 12, 2006, Page A10) tells us that, indeed, a law penalizing discrimination against lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders (LGBTs) should be urgently enacted by Congress.

His stark hatred against homosexuals represents a common belief system that continues to deepen the prejudice that the LGBT community encounters. Mr. Isagani Cruz fails to see that such display of bigotry is easily translated into acts that concretely violate human rights and fundamental freedoms, values whose universality and primacy a former Supreme Court justice should have been able to grasp and uphold. After all, the Supreme Court as an institution has a long tradition of defending civil liberties and human rights. It is therefore ironic that one of its former justices finds it easy to dehumanize us, target us for exclusion, and deny us the right to celebrate our diversity and dignity.

He claims that his scathing homophobia is only reserved to homosexuals who do not conduct themselves decorously. However, his sense of propriety, going by his narrow-minded perspective, means conforming to the destructive boundaries and restrictive stereotypes that our conservative society has established for LGBTs. It means tolerating biased labor policies and practices that act like a glass ceiling that blocks our productivity, or enduring verbal and physical abuses from our own family members or from our immediate community. Mr. Cruz wants us to believe that the fate of homosexuals who openly claim their space in our society as equal members of the human family is a lifetime of humiliation and discrimination. Unless we conform to the whims of people like Mr. Cruz, we should willingly accept that fate. To him, only when we are invisible or servile to what he claims to be the "privileged sex" can we expect acceptance from our society.

Mr. Cruz should understand that human dignity has no sexual orientation or gender identity. Homosexuality is hardly a dilution of the male and female sexes, and femininity and womanhood, upon which equal scorn and prejudice have been heaped by Mr. Cruz, are not synonymous to weakness. The 'third sex' that he ridicules does not exist at all, since we are all equal in dignity and respect, as affirmed by our Constitution, our laws, and the international agreements on equality and human rights that the Philippines signed.

The Filipino LGBT community will continue to march – in sagalas and during the annual Pride parade – because we do not take bigotry sitting down. The likes of Mr. Cruz can't – and we will not let them – push the Filipino LGBT community back to invisibility.

Rough and ready: our ADB position paper

Last 9 August, LAGABLAB went to the Senate and participated in the first hearing for the anti-discrimination bill. To support the passage of the bill, our organization sent a position paper. Friend Ferdie (who is also an officer of the organization) and I were in Angeles City then for a planning workshop organized by the Philippine National AIDS Council. We drafted the position paper, sent it to the other officers for their comments. Luckily, Joel (another officer) was free that day, and he attended the hearing representing TLF. I learned later that ours was the first paper read during the hearing.

Actually, I panicked belatedly upon learning that no major commentary or editing was made, the paper was read as is. I reminded them that I sent them a draft, I should have emphasized that it was a VERY ROUGH DRAFT. The night that we wrote the paper, it was after the workshop's socials, I wasn't sure if my head was still attuned to make some serious writing. Ferdie actually made the first attempt; he "scribbled" a few sentences/paragraphs then later told me to fill in some more. He fell asleep as I wrote. I was actually just listening and singing as I wrote, the New Wave Top 100 was playing on my laptop then.

The Board met tonight at my place. I implored them to let me review the paper again before we distribute it to other people. I learned from Jonas (who is both Board member and LAGABLAB officer) that he will be compiling all the position papers to become part of the report of the Senate Committee who held the hearing. Anyway, below is the revised version, comments most welcome.

- - - - - - - - - -

The Anti-Discrimination Bill – Senate Bill number 1738, in particular – reduces homophobia. It's passage and eventual enactment will reduce acts of discrimination and social exclusion exacted among Filipinos who are lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders (LGBT's). This legislation shall be a very valuable contribution in enabling a healthy, just and humane society for ALL Filipinos. It shall aid in transforming our society from the social violence of discrimination to one that fully recognizes, respects and upholds human dignity regardless of perceived or actual sexual orientation and gender identities among its citizens.

We are members of TLF Sexuality, Health and Rights Educators Collective, an organization of gay men who are community educators, trainers and advocates working for the promotion of human rights among LGBT's as well as work with men who have sex with men (MSM) for the prevention of sexually transmitted infections, including HIV or the virus that causes AIDS. We are a civil society member of the Philippine National AIDS Council (PNAC), the multi-sector body empowered by Republic Act 8504 to oversee the integrated and comprehensive country response to HIV/AIDS. We represent MSM communities, considered as one of the most-at-risk populations for HIV/AIDS.

In our work, we facilitate development of behavior and support systems that enable individuals and communities to protect them selves from harm, to prevent them selves from becoming vulnerable to health risks. When homophobia is minimized, gay men, bisexuals and other MSM are less likely to hide or deny their gender identities. When society enables them to safely come out from its proverbial shadows, health promotion efforts like those from our organization (and even from the government's own programs) become more accessible, their social and economic needs better met, their potentials to contribute to community and national development maximized.

Currently, this is not the scenario. Delivering health promotion programs for gay men, bisexuals and other MSM remain to be one of the most daunting. Learning to prevent consequences of risky sexual activity and enabling them to seek for appropriate health information and services fall below targets set by the Department of Health and PNAC. Unprotected male-to-male sexual behavior accounts for over 20 percent of HIV infections, or based on the most recent update on the country's HIV/AIDS Registry, that would be almost 600 cases. New cases have been increasing annually, and more worryingly, it is now at its fastest rate in 10 years.

Reduced homophobia helps in addressing a variety of issues, the HIV/AIDS epidemic included. Together with other United Nations member-states, the Philippines has committed that by year 2010 we have moved towards achieving universal access to prevention, treatment, care and support for people at risk for, already infected and affected by HIV/AIDS. In the last UN special session reviewing gains toward this commitment, many HIV prevention efforts, including the Philippines' own, have failed to sufficiently reach gay men, bisexuals, transgenders and other MSM. Upon renewal of commitments, the chief of the UN agency on AIDS have once again advocated resolving homophobia as this being one of the "fundamental drivers" of the worldwide pandemic. He recognized that reducing homosexual stigma and preventing discrimination among LGBT persons will help curb the spread of HIV/AIDS.

The country's HIV/AIDS epidemic, currently almost 3,000 confirmed cases, representing what could already be up to 20,000 people living with HIV/AIDS, is now classified as hidden and growing. Arresting homophobia as a fundamental driver of the epidemic will be of great significance in finally controlling and reversing this ravaging trend. And more importantly, we believe, resolving stigma and discrimination will give redress for those who have suffered and those who are presently suffering, and enable seeking for redress among those who will suffer in the future. A law preventing discrimination among LGBT persons will do these. We look forward to the day that no Filipino citizen shall be unjustly and inhumanely restricted from full participation in society on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity, all under the protective and empowering law of the land.

9 August 2006, Makati City, Philippines
(Revised 11 August 2006)

Nothing day made special

It was a nothing day, meaning, it was a day that consisted of my usual run of things. If I was not in the office trying to solve a million and one things, I would be at home trying to rediscover the Internet or cable TV, or yet still, I would be in the mall buying stuff and paying bills. Which was what I was looking like doing for most of the day that day - paying bills. I even thought, maybe if I had enough cash left in my wallet after this, I'd grab something to eat. It was so, so normal.

Inside the bank, thankfully cooler, heat outside was punishing; I was queued up as soon as I filled my payment slip for my and hunny's credit card bills. This being the middle of the day, the queue wasn't that long, as usually the case in between the rush of lunch breaks and office-to-home. I remember I was looking at the FOREX rates, USD improved versus PHP; that was good for my small stash of USD's, I thought. I was about to start fantasizing again what I could do with my USD's saved up when the a stranger's finger tapped my back. It was slight, I was almost not sure if someone's had actually called my attention. I tried to pretend to look bored and turned around.

I couldn't explain the feeling. I felt I knew him but not quite. He was someone I know, used to know, never quite really known, all of the above, all at once. But it was a good feeling, inspite being inexplicable. All to soon, like as soon as the neurons started working and confirming and settling the initial disbelief/shock/whatev's, I was able to make the most dashing and sophisticated acknowledgment known to man: "Oh, hey!" I felt stupid. I couldn't remember what he was saying then, my mind was still running its catalogue/cross-referencing program and I've run out of RAM. The rest of my body and senses were running on automatic. The last thing I remember was that he asked me to stay after I made my payments, and that he was about to settle his own bills. So I sat at one of the bank's waiting benches, underneath now-ignored FOREX rates chart.

We went out of the bank together. I knew he was on his way home, and I was on my way somewhere. I couldn't remember then where I was supposed to go. This day of automaton order suddenly ditched into disarray. Luckily, my feet found its rightful direction. He went my way (which was away from where I think he should be heading), us exchanging Q-and-A's also known as small talk. I was admiring at how healthy and happy he looked, though I never had the chance to actually find out if he were. A small piece of tissue paper peeked on his left shoulder underneath his shirt; the heat was punishing, he was taking care of himself. Somewhere in SM Makati's mall we stopped, exchanged numbers, then went separate ways. I knew as I walked and watched our distances widen that I panicked. I was feeling uncomfortable for not having the right words or questions to keep us talking. But also I was feeling needy and wishful for this happy moment to go on; having it ended so abruptly under the guise of getting on with the business of the day was wee-bit painful. I remembered what I was supposed to do next: I was going to pay my cellphone bill.

He texted a reassuring note. At the time, I was inside the Globe business center, regretting for favoring this forever-slow queue over what could be tremendously fabulous time with an old friend (maybe over coffee or something of the like). Ah, there's hope for a next time... maybe the next time would be more special...

Wired with a twist of lime

In between e-mailing, phone calls, writing "stuff" and the usual rounds of blogs and sites, a few weeks ago, I discovered somewhat belatedly the addictive pleasures of Limewire. In between oohs and ahhs, and some tsk-tsk's, I no sooner delved into downloading music of my youth, ano pa nga ba, new wave. But what ELSE to download? I've already amassed several "underground" and new wave mp3 collections courtesy of CD peddlers of Makati and Manila. Google would have to give some suggestions. Which led me, though I don't recall exactly how (isn't that just the charm of Google?), to DigitalDreamDoor, the personal site of some guy named Lew, who had this passion for both music and making lists. There was a list of what the site believes are the 100 greatest new wave songs. And no sooner in finishing the whole 100 entry-list I realized what a hick I've been as a kid. I couldn't recall over half of the entries.

To quench my curiosity, Limewiring became the fitting strategy to meet the objective. And that's how a week-and-a-half-long vigil started. It was a fulfilling vigil, actually. Sometimes, I'd get disappointed for not having to find open servers from where the files can be downloaded. Argghh! Then sometimes, the available downloads were not really of good quality. Kainiz! But by and large, it was a fun experience. But the most fun, of course, was telling friends (and them getting involved) about it. And I had one perfect guy in mind. Ferdie. A good friend, one of the officers of the organization, and born into this world not with an infantile wail but with a song and dance production number.

Somewhere in the middle of my Limewire-like-crazy phase, he visited and got as much involved with the list as I did... in a matter of seconds. I particularly remember this one instance. Though I had my suspcion what the song was, I wasn't sure. Until this list, I thought I know everything about new wave. Ano ba itong "Too Shy"? And what in the world is/was Kajagoogoo?! Ferdie suddenly broke into his song-and-(a bit of) dance number. We were thinking of the same thing. Then we almost simultaneously asked each other, "new wave ba ito??" So then, a Limewire search was in order for Kajagoogoo. We were also both dunzo for some other songs on the list. But as soon as we downloaded some, the epiphanies came "Ay, alam ko na to! So yun pala yun..."

My hunny, though in a more somber manner, got into it as well, him more interested in pursuing some of his own curiosities. While continuing with the list, I searched for some of his requests, essentially Big Country and Alan Parsons Project. (The latter one was not new wave, but I found out that DigitalDreamDoor listed it as one of the most underrated artists. Hunny and I agree.) My hunny even helped fixing one download, "Send Me An Angel" by Real Life; it had a skip in the middle. I e-mailed the file to him and he fixed the skip through Sound Forge. When I got it back, I thought it sounded better than when I first downloaded it. I love him to bits!

Two nights ago, I was down to just several seemingly rare, hard-to-find mp3's. Limewire had them listed but servers hosting them don't seem to come up when I was online. I felt frustration for having only two left unfound, especially that I have also made a resolve to do something with my new found collection. I wanted to share this with friends and family. (Profiting from this actually crossed my mind, but hey, I'm a "Fair Use" kind of guy. I'm almost HIP - or I try to honor intellectual property when I have the money for it.) I was almost at the point of giving up on the idea when Ferdie visited again and I proudly updated him with my Limewire discoveries. At six in the morning (he then just arrived from Legazpi, where he manages our project over there), we were exchanging raves and he was egging me to look for other sources, "other" being purchasing music online. WTF?! Me? Buy music, when there's just about thousands available for free?? Well, there may be thousands, but for two, he reminded me. He was feeding into my desperation. What the hell... I pulled out my credit card.

Some sites like iTunes charge a fortune for downloads, around 0.99USD per song. 50 pesos is already full meal in a carinderia -- at may softdrinks pa yun! Was I that desperate? I gotta search for more alternatives; I must be desperate and crazy, but I've enough sense remaining to look for alternatives. The new wave gods sent me an angel as I googled for alternative download-for-pay sites. I happened on MP3Search.ru and it only charges 0.10USD per download. There must be a catch, I couldn't believe it. The catch was I have to have my credit charged for 20USD at the minimum, and charges will be debited for every download I was to make. Hmmm... still sounded like a fair deal. Plus, there was Ferdie cheering me from behind. I was able to download the rare ones, "Messages" (OMD) and "Reaping the Wild Wind" (Ultravox) -- after listening, I thought they sounded far better than some of the freely downloaded and later trashed mp3's. (After all, their songs had 192kbps sample rates as well as the new VBR "standard.") I also decided to download two more, which I got through Limewire but were of poorer quality (actually, the beginning and fade-out ending portions were cut): "Love and Money" (Bronski Beat) and "Some Like It Hot" (The Power Station).

This morning, I put my plans to pilot test. I bought some CDR's and burned my downloads on one; this one's gonna go to Ferdie. If there's one person who's gonna utterly love me for this alone, it's gonna be him, I thought. And why should I just burn a CD and send him like it's not really special? So early Sunday morning, I googled for some JPG's and designed a cover for the CD's jewel case. And tonight, Eon wondered at how I've made this obsession into a full, short-term career. I shrugged and had stupid grin on my face. I felt very happy.